Worst Rappers Alive

I'm not gonna lie-- I love rap.  I've loved rap for as long as I can remember.  In the third grade, I used to bring my portable radio on the school bus to listen to DC's two hip-hop stations, WPGC (Donnie Simpson Morning Show) and WKYS (Russ Parr in the Morning).  So I've been listening to rap since Busta Rhymes was making hits and when Puff Daddy was in his element, standing in the back of Biggie's videos, providing every unnecessary "Uh", "Yeah" and "Come on".  But rap's gone quite a bit downhill since that time.  Tupac and Biggie are dead.  Jay-Z isn't quite so prolific.  Nas never was all that prolific, but he's less so now.  And Dr. Dre's Detox might come out someday... But mixed in with "rappers" who make ringtones instead of beats, there's still some talent.  Eminem's still around, and Recovery was, for my money, his most underrated album.  And people love to hate on Lil' Wayne, but his lyrics are some of the greatest ever.  But mixed in with the gems, there's some total garbage that's been coming out, and that's what this post is about.  Now, for the purpose of this, I'm ignoring the obvious garbage.  Soulja Boy, Hurricane Chris, and the Shop Boyz (remember them?) are NOT rappers.  So I'm not gonna dignify them with a spot even on this list.  But the ones on my list have actually released multiple albums and been in the spotlight for awhile.  So... here's my list.

1. Cam'Ron-- My boy Matty K is definitely gonna throw me under the bus for this one, but it has to be said.  Cam'Ron's been around forever.  I have no clue why he's been around forever.  Cam'Ron, as a rapper, doesn't bring much of anything to the table.  His flow is so-so, but what really sets him apart are his awful lyrics.  Cam'Ron raps about everything most rappers do, except he does it worse.  He also has the subtlety of a jackhammer.  Just listen to "Suck it or Not".  One of Cam's better known tracks.  And, lyrically, completely absurd.  I'm trying to keep this blog at least out of the X-rated area, so I won't post all the lyrics, but the entire track is about... exactly what you expect it to be about.  Then if Cam's lack of subtlety isn't enough, Lil Wayne gets on the track and starts his verse with "I get head in the strangest places"...  And that's the best part of the song.

If that's not enough, Cam is just as bad away from the mic.  When I was in high school, Cam decided to come through DC in his Lambo during Howard University's homecoming.  Unsprisingly, someone decided they wanted Cam's Lambo and shot him.  Now imagine if he weren't one of the worst rappers of all time.  Does anyone think Ice Cube got robbed when he rolled through Compton? 

Lastly, there's Cam's movie.  A few years after releasing a few multi-platinum albums, Eminem (who was always about a bazillion times better at rap than Cam) decided to make a semi-autobiographical movie for which he wrote a soundtrck.  Shockingly, the movie was semi-decent, and even featured Eminem's buddy Cheddar Bob doing a star turn as Plaxico Burress.  Cam, on the other hand, after releasing a bunch of crummy albums, decided to make a semi-autobiographical movie of his own.  But while 8 Mile featured Brittany Murphy and Mekhi Phifer and was backed by a studio, Cam produced and released his movie, Killa Season... straight to Google Video.  The reason I know about this is because at some point in the first half of undergrad, I came to Matty K's room, and we watched the whole thing.  On his laptop.  I still have no clue what the plot was.  All I remember is he had a friend who liked the same things that he liked: "B!tches, cars, and MONEY."  And he said "no homo" a lot.  If anyone wants to check out Killa Season, it's probably still up on You Tube.  If the whole thing isn't, here's the scene that sums it up:

Cam is a joke

2. Gucci Mane-- Gucci's lyrics are almost as bad as Cam'Ron's.  Heck, they might be worse.  And Gucci has a tattoo of an ice cream cone on his face.  That might be the worst tattoo in the history of tattoos.  That alone gets him a spot on this list.  But I'm pretty sure Gucci sits on his couch all day, saying "Brrrrr", eating pizza and drinking cough syrup.  But mostly drinking cough syrup.  Then he looks around, sees something, and decides to make a track about it.  Sometimes, it's alcohol.  Other times, it's lemonade.  Yes, he made a song about lemonade.  It's called "Lemonade".  In the music video, there's a yellow car, and Gucci and a bunch of women dressed in yellow.  The rest of the lyrics I can't understand because Gucci may or may not have spent the day he recorded that song huffing glue.  Also, unlike most rappers, who spend the time they don't spend in the studio either at the gym and roiding (50 Cent) or at Dunkin' Donuts training to be a planetarium (Rick Ross), Gucci somehow managed to get the physique of an upside-down ice cream cone.  Which, again, adds up to him being a clown.

3. 50 Cent-- For some reason, he's put out a few hit albums.  Why, I don't know.  I guess his hook is he got shot a bunch of times.  But there's nothing redeeming about his rap.  His flow stinks, his lyrics don't make any sense, and his diction is horrible.  He sounds like he had the bottom half of his jaw shot off and replaced with a wooden replica.  That was whittled by a beaver high on Gucci's cough syrup.  He also managed to get overshadowed on his own track by Justin Timberlake.  I'm not gonna lie-- I love JT.  But when your R&B hook is better than your verse, it's probably time to give up.

4. Holla Man from the 7th Floor Crew-- This one's a wild card.  Not many people know about the 7th Floor Crew.    They actually only technically released one song, so maybe they don't quite belong on this list, but I can't help myself.  At some point in high school, my buddy Collin and I discovered the 7th Floor Crew.  On MySpace.  I forget which of us found it, but I do remember that we stared at each other dumbfounded the whole time.  Not that it's necessarily THAT much raunchier than all other rap-- Cam'Ron's probably just as bad, and Li'l Kim is probably worse-- but the raunchiness on this album is completely ridiculous.  Not to mention the ones on the track were mostly football players at Miami, and a bunch of them are in the NFL now.  There's T-Good (Ravens linebacker Tavares Gooden), Big Beas (Panthers Pro Bowl linebacker Jon Beason), G-Reg (my favorite moniker: Bears tight end Greg Olsen), and, last but not least, Holla Man (supposedly Patriots safety Brandon Meriweather, though that one's uncomfirmed).  Now the last two deserve special consideration.  G-Reg's flow is surprisingly not awful, but his lyrics are completely ridiculous.  Apparently, G-Reg fantasizes about putting his "third leg" (his words; also kinda rhyme with G-Reg) in many orifices in which it doesn't belong.  But Holla Man takes the cake because his flow breaks down halfway through.  Which is hard because its only unifying themes are "sex" and "things that end in -ack".  So when that happens, Holla Man gives up trying and starts telling a story about something he did at the beach where he didn't wear a rub or... something like that, I mostly lost track.  But for that incoherent, non-sensical outburst on the track, he gets a spot on this list.

5. Not Waka-- So I figured after throwing out some hate, I'd put down one rapper who doesn't make my list: Waka Flocka Flame.  A lot of people hate on Waka because he 1) makes no sense, 2) slurs his words like he's had 15 shots of Jack in a row, 3) wears a "Fozzie the Bear" chain, and 4) Yells WAAAAAAAKKKAAA so much he sounds like a Pokemon.  But I love Waka.  Why? Because Waka spits slurred fire on the track, and because he's got sick dreads.